i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
