god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
