I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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