the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
