a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
