i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
