So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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