then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
