What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
