i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize