i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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