I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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