im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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