You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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