tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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