I love black thongs
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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