Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
