wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize