Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
