He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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