that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
