They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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