Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
