I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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