i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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