Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
