The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
