i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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