i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
