sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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