my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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