get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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