Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
