your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
