i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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