no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
