come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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