I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
