I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
