I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
