ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
