I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
