The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
