she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize