just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
