Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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