Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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