I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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