His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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