you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
