Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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