Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
