Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
