When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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