omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
